Without Trace

I had a friend from my undergraduate days--an artist, a freethinker, an awesome coffee-maker. 

I last saw her two and a half weeks ago, and now she's gone.  I went to Starbucks, upset, knowing my relationship was about to end.  It's always just a feeling you get in your bones--that you're being left behind.  I was happy that night, temporarily, for sushi with a good writer friend of mine and seeing my artist friend working behind the counter.  I chit-chatted with her briefly; she complimented my hair, asked me how I was.  I didn't go into specifics, and I told her my car dilemmas appeared to be over, and we needed to try to hang out soon.  She comped my Caffe Americano.  I told her I'd be sitting outside if she got a slow minute and wanted to talk.

She never came out.  She didn't say goodbye when she left after closing. 

I tried to text message her to arrange a time to hang out, and she never responded.  I left messages on Facebook when my car decided to have more issues with it to let her know I wouldn't be back to Florence for awhile.  Then one day shortly after, she deleted me from her friends list; her fiance was no longer listed as 'engaged' to her.  I didn't know what had happened.  I started to grow all-the-more concerned when she never returned my continued efforts at contact. 

Then, I found out yesterday night on my way to a party that she cut all ties with everyone here and moved to New York without forewarning to anyone.  She changed her phone number and told her fiance the night before she left she was leaving.  I immediately thought back to my last encounter with her, wishing I had spent more time talking to her rather than lamenting in my anxiety attack. 

It's funny how we take people for granted whether we mean to do it or not.  I always just felt like I'd randomly run into her at Starbucks all the time, since I go there every time I'm in Florence.  It really hurts when you feel like you don't get a proper goodbye from someone; it hurts even worse when you don't realize they're leaving.  I found her again on Facebook and emailed her wishing her well and hoping she finds whatever it is she's looking for.  I apologized for our last encounter being so regrettably short. 

I told her I'd miss her.

Heartache, Parties, and the Bane of Modern Technology

I'm trying to make the most of things today despite the anxious feeling in my stomach.  I've been nursing a 16oz Red Bull for the past three hours or so trying not to focus on things that are entirely beyond my control.

Episode 1: Sadly, heartache is still running its course in light of my most recent break up.  I take this in both of two ways: 1) it shows the depth of what I felt yet 2) it shows a continued inability to let go of my past.  I hate the limbo-like position I'm in right now, but it's just got to be what it will be until it mutates into something different.

Episode 2: Tonight is my older sister's birthday party, and I'm not exactly in a party mood given Episode 1's unrelenting presence.  She's invited a particular person who makes me feel very uncomfortable, yet I'm obligated to go because it's my sister's birthday party.  Several friends of mine are going, and I would be a rude host if I bailed at the last minute.  I think once I've picked an outfit, I'll feel better.

Episode 3: I'm very technologically unsavvy, and trying to set up this blog was extremely time-consuming and confusing all at once.  Plus, Microsoft Explorer doesn't want to cooperate with me and crashes constantly.  I think it may be time for a defrag. 

There are several other episodes of things beyond my control that take energy from me that I'll save for other postings-- particularly after I've calmed down enough about them to be diplomatic and as little caustic as I can be.  I have so many things pressing on me, and I find myself wanting to ignore them rather than deal with them.  I dislike feeling consumed by things I have no ability to control or change.  Some things just have to deteriorate and vanish all on their own. 

I had hoped by now to feel better about returning to single life, especially since we didn't date for long, but we've known each other for awhile.  Feelings developed long before a relationship did.  It's hitting me far worse than I thought it would.  My friends often come to me for advice when it comes to relationships, yet when it comes to taking my own advice, it's difficult.  I tell myself all these things like "being sad won't bring him back," "if he wasn't happy, then I couldn't be happy," "he's in a different place in his life," and "he needs to take time to take care of himself right now."  I know they're logical things in response to the events of our lives (private matters).  I know I need to just move on and keep living life for myself.  I need to focus on finishing my last semester of graduate school, putting together my CV, and trying to find a job for after graduation.  I have friends to put my energy into; I have several projects to finish as well.  It's hard to walk away from someone who's your friend, who understands you so well, and who's become inextricably enmeshed in the fibers of your heart and soul.  There's been a gap in my life and an overwhelming sense of wrongness I don't know how to shake.  I've been praying for relief if nothing else.  Sometimes we don't always understand how life works because we aren't meant to at that time.  In the interim, I'm trying to stay busy and positive in hopes good energy will bring good returns.